Anyone who has lost a companion animal knows that the grief and pain can be as deep as the loss of any beloved family member. Yet, because of the societal stigma which still exists around pet loss, we may have trouble finding clear ways to heal and mourn. In the Jewish tradition, there are many powerful beliefs and rituals that can guide us through loss and mourning, from the practice of sitting shiva, to lighting yahrzeit candles and the saying of the Mourners Kaddish, the prayer for the dead. I have often said that while there is so much that doesn’t make sense in Judaism, the rituals of mourning are simple, clear, realistic and deeply powerful.
However, while there is endless wisdom offered for those experience the loss of a human loved one, very little is offered specifically for the death of our animal friends. Depending on one’s religious beliefs and practices, it might seem clear that if pets are truly loved members of our families, then we should just be able to use the same rituals and wisdom that are offered for deaths of humans. Yet, like so much in Judaism, there are a few ethical questions that should be considered.
The Mourners Kaddish, the prayer which is said by mourners to remember the dead is an example of both the power of Jewish ritual to offer healing, but also can be a reminder about the sensitivity we should have for others who might not understand our love and connection with our pets. Jewish ethical teachings ask us to not only care about our own needs, but the needs of the greater community and do what is best for both honoring our pets, ourselves and those around us. Are there differences in how we might mourn for our pets in private vs. communal settings? Is it necessarily best to use the same prayers and rituals for mourning the death of pets, when our animal companions may have a had a different and unique connection to us?
In both Judaism and in other faith and cultural traditions, answering these questions can help us understand how we can best honor our pets while also compassionately honoring these traditions and the beliefs of others.
Understanding Kaddish
The Kaddish is one of the most profound prayers in Jewish mourning rituals, with origins tracing back to the first centuries of the Common Era. Traditionally, it is recited by mourners in honor of the dead, often a close relative. As is often mentioned, the words of the prayer do not mention death but instead speak about the power of God and are an affirmation of faith. The unique quality of the Kaddish highlights how even in times of grief and pain, Jews are encouraged to sanctify life and trust the power of God or the “Mystery of Life” beyond them. The traditional understanding of Kaddish is that it serves as a pathway for the living to honor the deceased. Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, a modern Orthodox scholar, wrote about the transformative power of Kaddish in mourning: “In saying Kaddish, the mourner serves as a surrogate for the deceased… It is as if he or she says, ‘I, who remain, continue to serve God in their name.’” For most Jews however, the meaning of the words of the prayer are not as important as the feelings and sense of place that the prayer evokes. Hearing the prayer being said reminds us that we are in a place where people are mourning, and for those who hear it, it can inspire us to do what we can to offer support and healing.
Traditionally for the Kaddish to be said, there must be ten Jewish people (or ten Jewish men in the Orthodox tradition) present, symbolic of the “community” which surrounds the mourners.
The Traditional View on Mourning and Pets
Historically, Jewish mourning practices have focused on human relationships, emphasizing the bonds between family members and the community. The Talmud specifies the obligation to mourn for parents, children, siblings, and spouses (Moed Katan 24a), leaving out non-human relationships. This exclusion is partly due to the traditional classifications within Jewish law (Halacha), where the obligations of mourning are directed towards human relatives.
Yet the Torah and rabbinic sources are not devoid of references to the meaningfulness of animal life. The verse “The righteous person regards the life of their animal” (Proverbs 12:10) has long been seen as a mandate to treat animals with compassion and respect. Even the famed rabbi, the Baal Shem Tov, noted that every created being has a unique purpose and divine essence, suggesting that animals, too, hold a place in God’s world. Many Jewish writings speak about the needs to have compassion for animals, about how animals have feelings and emotions, and even have a soul. In some ways it could be argued, with all we know about animal intelligence and the way they connect with their humans companions, our religious and liturgical connection with animals has some catching up to do.
The emotional bonds we form with pets are deeply meaningful and can significantly impact our well-being. The loss of a pet can trigger intense grief comparable to losing a human loved one. Acknowledging this reality aligns with the compassionate and inclusive values that many within the liberal Jewish community uphold. As we are taught in Pirkei Avot, “Do not dismiss any person, and do not dismiss any thing, for there is no person who does not have their hour and no thing that does not have its place” (Pirkei Avot 4:3). As we can see, Jewish tradition reminds us that all of creation is valuable, underscoring the legitimacy of mourning pets.
Supporting Kaddish for Pets
Allowing individuals to recite Kaddish for their pets can validate their grief and provide spiritual comfort, since it recognizes pets as integral members of the family and honors the unique relationships we share with them. For those who feel a strong spiritual connection with their animals, saying Kaddish can be a meaningful way to process their loss and celebrate their pet’s life.
While supporting Kaddish for pets is important, it is also helpful to reflect on its inclusion in communal settings with sensitivity. Not all members of the community may share the same perspective on pet mourning, and hearing Kaddish for a pet could evoke complex emotions, especially for those who have recently lost human loved ones. Some may feel hurt or insulted to hear that their loss is being compared to the loss of an animal. Why we may not agree with the value of this statement, even in our loss, we should also do our best to honor the feelings of others.
While everyone should have a right to mourn and offer prayers in any way they wish in private settings, there may need to be other considerations in communal settings. Again, this depends on the values of each individual community, the general comfort level of the rabbi and the congregation, and with the relationship the mourner has with others.
Here are a few considerations for people who are saying Kaddish or mourning for pets in Jewish communal settings:
Timing and Context: Allow mourners to choose appropriate moments for reciting Kaddish for their pets, perhaps during personal prayer times or designated memorial services, rather than within regular communal prayer services.
Education and Dialogue: Foster open conversations within the community about the diverse ways people experience grief. Educating members about the significance of pets in many people’s lives can promote understanding and empathy.
Inclusive Practices: Develop inclusive mourning practices that honor both human and animal loved ones without diminishing the traditional human-centric rituals. This balance ensures that all community members feel respected and supported.
Moving Forward with Compassion and Respect
Integrating the mourning of pets into traditional Jewish practices is a compassionate step that reflects the evolving understanding of family and community in our lives. By thoughtfully considering how to incorporate Kaddish for pets, we honor the diverse experiences of grief within our community while maintaining respect for traditional practices and their diverse feelings of other members of our community.
Allowing the recitation of Kaddish for pets can provide a meaningful path to healing for those who have lost their animal companions. As we navigate this inclusion, let us do so with sensitivity, empathy, and a commitment to honoring all forms of love and loss.